An abridged version of this post was published on Blue Ridge Outdoors. Click here to read. My instinct told me to run. It also told me not to run while the man could still see me or I would automatically become prey. Feigning calm, I walked slowly away from him and out of his sight. The moment I felt sure he could no longer see or hear me, I ran. It was spring of 2015 and I was hiking a section of the Appalachian Trail. On this particular day, I’d been on the move since sunrise and I’d felt a profound sense of relief when the shelter had finally come into view late that afternoon. This shelter was one of many such structures along the trail; a rugged cabin that provided hikers with relief from the elements. Most choose to sleep near a shelter, if not in one, forming colonies of safety and community around them each night. The next shelter was five miles up the trail and as there were only a few more hours until nightfall I figured this was the one I should call home. I walked in, weary smile, and nodded at the three people inside. But something was off. In the corner to my right was a man eating. In the corner opposite him were two college-age boys whose postures curved into something eerily resembling submission. The man was talking at them with a loud and grating voice, but at my entrance, he shifted his attention in my direction, only briefly, and then turned back to face the boys. Avoiding eye contact with me, he began berating women as a collective, asserting that we were [expletive] weak and didn’t belong on the trail, and furthermore that we would all [expletive] quit when we found out how difficult hiking really was. I stiffened, feeling delirious. I glanced at the boys, thinking they might come to my defense, but they remained silent, their spines frozen into question marks leaving it unclear what they stood for. At the time, I thought them cowards. In hindsight, I have a bit more empathy. Nevertheless I felt angry. I didn’t want to camp near that kind of energy, so I told them I’d be hiking on and wished them a good night. I’d just camp somewhere farther up the trail alone, I thought, I’d done it plenty of other nights. The man had other ideas. He swiveled his head to look at me, and the moment his eyes met mine something in my brain said predator . “Oh,” he said, “I’m coming with you.” There was no reason for a man I had just met, and for whose only interaction with me had been to insult women, to think we were a team. My mind flashed to a book I’d read, Gavin de Becker’s The Gift of Fear , which taught me that anytime someone groups themself with you without your permission, alarms should go off. Many women become prey because they are conditioned to be kind even when their intuition says otherwise. In that moment, I questioned myself: this man’s hateful words were ringing in my ears and still I wondered if I were being unfair. But on a primal level that superseded conditioning, I knew I needed to get away. “I’m meeting someone up the trail,” I told him. “Have a good night.” It was a lie, but I hoped it was enough to make him decide against following me. He replied that he would come as soon as he was finished eating. “No - I’m going to be late and they’ll be looking for me. Enjoy your food.” I turned to leave. “I’ll catch up to you,” he said. I didn’t say anything. I walked purposefully out of his sight wanting to seem calm and then I ran. I was not fit. It hurt, but adrenaline helped. When I would get tired of running I would walk a few strides, catch my breath, then pick up a jog again. Anything to keep moving. I wanted so badly to stop and pitch camp in the woods, but if he found me in that space I would be alone and vulnerable. By some miracle, or perhaps simply fear, I made it to the shelter just before nightfall. There were more than a dozen tents pitched around it and I exhaled my relief at the feeling of safety. I later found out that a man by the same description had been threatening to kill hikers while they slept. The night with that man had been the most frightening experience on the trail, but it was by no means the only time a man acted poorly during my hike. The week prior, a different man had exposed himself to me. I’d thought perhaps he had just been relieving himself, but then the incident happened again, with the same man, when he had tracked me and waited for me alone on a mountaintop. I told him if it ever happened again he would regret it, picked up my pace and left him far behind. A few days after those incidents, I made it through the Smoky Mountains in the pouring rain and lightning, and onto the welcoming dry porch of a hostel. I was exhausted and soaked down to my socks. The manager of the hostel sat in a rocking chair under the awning, and I asked him if there were any beds left. He leered at me. “You can share mine,” he said. I was not alone, that time. There were three boys who I had been hiking with standing next to me. Two of them laughed when he said this. The other looked a bit uncomfortable, but said nothing. I was tired and didn’t have the energy to explain why that kind of comment felt harmful to me, so I just shook my head and said that I’d like a different, empty bed. Later, the boy who had said nothing came to sit next to me. He looked ashamed and asked if what the man had said made me uncomfortable. I replied that it had but it hadn’t seemed worth acting upon. He listened quietly and appeared to sympathize. There was one other man in the room at the time. Upon hearing this conversation, he looked up at me and told me in no uncertain terms that he thought I was being “too sensitive” and “needed to just get over it. ” I hadn’t whined. I hadn’t even brought it up. I had only responded to a genuine question about how it had made me feel, but this man was unable to bear my honesty. Those events took place over the course of three weeks. There are countless more, both on and off trail, but my intention is to give a glimpse into one woman’s experience in the hopes that it plants empathy in places it had yet to live. The stories of women are not a monolith but they do have common elements: obstacles and endurance. There are more stories that need to be heard and it is empathy, not pity, that will move us forward. There are good men to balance out the bad. A male friend who had also hiked the trail told me he had never experienced the kind of harassment I described, and it saddened him to think that female hikers must endure additional challenges to enjoy the outdoors. But it is not only women who face such challenges. Friends of mine who are perceived as anything other than straight white men know harassment in all forms. The situations I described were blatant harassment, but there is a whole range of other types of harassment that are much more difficult to diagnose and respond to. How each person responds is an intimate mixture of their own experience and instinct, and for many people it has meant the difference between life and death. A phrase I hear often from men regarding rejection is “she could have been kinder about it.” Could she? How could she know that she could? If, when I tell a stranger politely I am not interested, he grabs me and tries to pull me into his seat to convince me otherwise, isn’t it understandable that I would be a little more blunt in my next rejection to avoid any confusion? If casual encounters regularly devolve into harassment, isn’t it understandable that a person might be more hesitant to enter a conversation that held all the same cues as previous conversations that had ended in violence, verbal or otherwise? The reasons why anyone who is not straight, white or male tend to default to self-preservation is often misunderstood by those who do not encounter or perceive threats in the same way.
The man who told me I was being overly sensitive is but a small drop in an ocean of doubt aimed at those who are forced to walk through the world differently than those who look like the people who wrote the laws and formed the structure of society at large. A hiker was murdered and another maimed on the Appalachian Trail the same weekend I wrote this essay. The behavioral descriptions I could find for the suspect mirrored the man I had met in the shelter perfectly. The victim of the murder was a male. Ronald Sanchez, Jr. His companion who was maimed was female, and it is likely that she only survived because her instincts told her to play dead. As soon as her attacker was gone, she dragged herself two miles to find help, and upon finding folks willing to help her had to walk another six miles to safety. I mourn for them. I wonder at what could have been done to prevent Mr. Sanchez’s death. I mourn for his family, and for the terror that the murderer leaves in his wake. I mourn for the murderer, too, for his path was not peaceful. The trail is a peaceful place for the most part. But I have read many versions of the sentiment that this is not the trail community . And in part that is true, that such an extreme event is rare. But the trail community - just like every community - has never been as safe for women, people of color, LGBTQ and other marginalized people, as it has for straight white men. There are good men to balance out the bad, yes. But I need to see more from them. I reflect upon the men I’ve observed remaining silent, or perhaps laughing, when something unkind was said to or about a woman in their presence. I think of the times I’ve been silent at my own expense because I knew biting back would have cast me as a nag/mood killer/bitch. I feel empathy for those boys who laughed or remained silent instead of showing courage. I have been there. Their reactions don’t necessarily mean that they didn’t care; in hindsight I suspect some of them were also fearful of their safety, despite being straight white males. A lacking response can also sometimes mean that the person didn’t process the situation fast enough to act in time. I have been there, too, and it doesn’t feel good to know if I’d been more alert I could have protected someone better. But we must take ownership of our actions and misactions if we are to learn to do better. Women cannot create compassion between the sexes without the help of men - it takes people from all groups looking out for each other to catalyze any progress. Men need to be holding each other accountable for their behavior even and especially when no women are present. The months I spent hiking were an incredible experience and a privilege. I wouldn’t trade them. But they could have been different. I believe I have made the most of what I learned, but I didn’t need to learn that I am less safe because of my womanhood: that lesson has been clear to me since I hit puberty. What I needed was the reminder that came from the men who showed me empathy, and then I need those same men to learn to be allies in front of other men, not just in private with women. _______ Edited by Shalin Desai
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Emily and Austin got married on May the Fourth (National Star Wars day, for any unaware) and had lots of awesome celestial details from their blue color scheme to Emily's starry nails and galaxy pumps - which had a nice little Star Wars reference on them for any fellow fans out there! The ceremony took place on Mt.Mitchell, but the mountain was a bit fierce that day with umbrella breaking winds (literally, my umbrella broke!), frigid temperatures and a rain that fluctuated between spitting and a steady downpour. We did the ceremony as planned (these two and their family were storm troopers!) and then did the portrait session - which you see here - the following day in the beautiful Asheville Botanical Gardens. The little cutie you see peeking out in some of these pictures is their lovely pup Alba! We learned during that shoot that dogs are not actually allowed in the botanical gardens, so in the future I'll make sure that we leave our four legged friends behind when shooting in this beautiful space to protect and honor it. Thank you for reading and May the Fourth be with you. SHOT FOR/PLANNING BY: SIMPLY ELOPED These two native Alabamian's (Alabamans??) made the trek out to Asheville for their stunning mountaintop elopement. We had beautiful lighting and *mostly* warm temperatures, save for the wind on top of the mountain! The first location you see welcomed us with a village of purple wildflowers - if any of you brilliant outdoor folk are able to ID them I would love to know what they are! We also had the locations almost entirely to ourselves, one of the benefits of choosing a weekday ceremony which I CANNOT encourage enough! Weekends start to get crazy around here this time of year and stay wild until late fall, so a weekday ceremony is usually much more private. Enjoy and have a great week! Shot for/planning by the lovely Simply Eloped. |
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